Triggered
Ah, triggers. We all have them. You know, the things that remind you of some of the worst moments in your life. Things that can completely make your good mood go bad — and often in an instant.
Through getting to know myself better and working with a counselor, I’m learning more about my multiple triggers and how to deal with them, which is a constant work in progress. Some aren’t super serious and just make me feel a little annoyed (Ok, a lot annoyed) but one in particular can make me crumble in a matter of seconds. That one is a little harder to anticipate, and in turn, manage. I’ll talk about that one in a bit.
What’s That Noise?!
But first, I’ll share with you one trigger in particular that induces a good ol’ fashion blood pressure rise — a loud noise that doesn’t dissipate quickly. Remember the cartoons where one of the characters lost their tempers, and you could see their blood pressure go from their toes to their heads? Yea, that’s me with loud noises. I’m pretty sure living solo in peace and quiet, while totally amazing, has caused my lack of tolerance for anything louder than a cat’s meow.
Things like dogs constantly barking for more than 15 minutes straight, super loud motorcycles or cars that are anywhere within earshot or the “little kid ear-piercing scream” (I know y'all know that one) aren’t my favorite things. Oh, and neighborhood fireworks. Don’t get me started on that one.
Rest assured, no matter how annoyed I am, I don’t do anything about them other than have an inner dialogue/scream session inside my head that usually goes something like “WHAT THE FUUUUUUU SHUT UUUUUUPPPPPP!!!” I’m sure some of you can relate. Please know that I do understand that loud noises are a part of everyday life, and I don’t blame anyone for them driving me crazy. Ok, that’s a lie. If you’re not stopping your dog from its hour-long barking, and you’re revving your motorcycle for 30 minutes in your driveway behind my house, I do blame you. :)
The Big One
But there’s another trigger that is much more serious. One that has the ability to awaken the sadness that lies just beneath my surface. Something that can create a twinge in my heart and my stomach no matter the time of day or how happy I am: Babies and baby announcements.
For those of you who don’t know and who didn’t read my book (shameless plug to read my book), I tried to have a baby as a single mom by choice for about 18 months from 2017 to 2019. While I got pregnant on the second try, I had a devastating miscarriage at 8 weeks in January 2018. I tried 8 times in total to have a baby solo via IUI and IVF, but never was able to get pregnant again after the loss. I decided to stop with the fertility treatments that were ruining my life emotionally, physically and financially.
But what didn’t stop is the pain I feel when I see someone giving birth on TV, or when I see pregnancy and baby announcements online. The problem with social media is that I’m usually just mindlessly scrolling when an announcement appears out of nowhere … leaving me a little stunned and saddened for a few minutes, or hours.
When I see a birth on TV, I cry the minute they lay the baby on the mother’s chest. Knowing I’ll never know that moment personally. And when I see someone I know announce they’re pregnant, or that they just gave birth, I often feel conflicted by my emotions: ecstatic and happy for them, while at the same time sad for myself. It’s a weird thing to navigate. I used to feel guilty about feeling sad. But I’ve realized that I can be happy for others and sad for myself. That is my reality. That is my humanness. It’s the little hole in my heart that will always remain and never close.
I don’t write this to make anyone who is pregnant, or who has had a baby feel weird or bad. You should be celebrating and sharing! It’s a beautiful thing, and I would be sharing that, too. I have lots of friends who have children and are pregnant right now and I am truly happy for them. I Instead write this to let other women who’ve had miscarriages know that these feelings of loss and sadness, and weirdness when someone makes an announcement, are human, normal and OK.
I had a close friend confide in me recently about her recent miscarriage. After telling me how sad and mad she was, she told me, “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I know I have a child already.” I told her that it doesn’t matter if you have no kids or 5 kids, a miscarriage is devastating. I’ve said this before, but women fall in love the minute they get a positive pregnancy test. She most definitely is allowed to feel sadness and anger, and ALL the things that she feels.
Miscarriage is just cruel, and most of us never get over it.
We just survive it.
Reflective Questions
What are your triggers?
How are you dealing with them?